I Don't Want Your Love
by Remmirath
Summary: Simple. Chidori's thoughts about her love for Yuuhi and his love for Aya. and some other whaff as well.


Disclaimer: We all know Ayashi no Ceres belongs to Watase Yuu-sama. Oh well.

Author's notes: I'm no Chidori fan. But I do like her a lot. And I'm definitely not a Yuuhi/Chidori fan either. Truth is, I don't even like that pairing. But I do admire how Chidori holds on to her love for Yuuhi even though she's willing to let him go. That's why I'm writing this.

Dedicated to: myself. -dunno why, but this is oh so devoted to me. Also, to Skittles who has become a consistent reader (and reviewer) of mine. To Meriadoc/ Celithrathien, because even though this isn't Harry Potter she's still willing to support me. Same goes to Hakkai no Miko, sorry I couldn't write Ceres/Yuuhi or any other anime yet. And, to Jenny, if she's ever reading this, I know how much you like Chidori and Yuuhi. Hm…?? Okay, I suppose that's everybody. There isn't anyone else since, well, there just isn't any. 

**

I wish I could tell you more, but I couldn't… I could feel myself falling into nothing, being absorbed by complete emptiness. My body is frozen; I feel so cold, and yet so warm from your embrace. You wouldn't let me go now, would you? Finally, have you realised that you love me too? 

I guess you couldn't. You would never be able to feel this way about me, love me as much as I do you. 

It's alright. I am very much aware of this, but it doesn't bother me…not that much. I know it hurts, it pains me so deeply, seeing you all alone, wishing you were also loved by someone who could never do, not paying attention to the one who does. But don't get me wrong. I don't want you. I don't need you to be beside me, to be with me for the rest of our lives. It isn't that. I only wish to be someone special, a person who serves an important part in your life. Being your most beloved _friend_ is enough for me to be happy. It isn't much. I sure hope you can grant it.

She's my friend too. The best one I've got. She taught me never to give up. She made me understand what life is about, how it is to be able to face another morning knowing that you will always have someone. She woke me up to the truth that _even though you are left alone, you never are; there is always someone looking after you. _Not only did she help me, but also she brought hope to my little brother. She also taught him all of these. I owe her so much…so much that I could never dislike her. After all, it wouldn't be fair to blame her for what is happening. It's not her fault she can't see you as she sees _him_. She cannot control the way she feels, or the way you feel. It's not her fault you love her instead of me.

Like I said, it doesn't bother me. I don't want you to love me. I can't blame anyone for anything, not even my self. It's not like I'm ugly, nor am I stupid that's why you can't seem to like me.

Stupid? Somehow, I may be an idiot. People might be thinking that. How could I let myself suffer so much? Why do I have to continue loving you despite the fact that I know there's no hope of you loving me back? Is it okay for me to let you ignore my feelings? Am I that stupid that I'm willing to be yet another victim of this so-called crime? Am I being a martyr? A very foolish one, that's what they might be saying.

No, I'm no martyr. Again, I don't want you to love me. 

You may have stolen my heart. 

No, you have not stolen my heart. I gave it to you.

You may not return my feelings.

But you're willing to accept what I have to give.

And I'm grateful for it.

I want you…to be happy with her. I know it might never happen, but it isn't impossible. I like you both so much, that's why I want you to be together. Maybe that's the reason why I am able to accept what has happened…to us. You two are so important to me. You deserve to be happy. You deserve each other. You deserve to be together. 

But still, she loves someone else, a certain other whom I cannot deny. She loves him more than she cares about you, even more than _I_ love _you_. I guess you can't be together after all. Why is it this way? If I can't make you happy, why can't she either? Won't anyone? How come, everything seems to say you are not meant to be happy? Are you? It feels so vexing, even to me, because I care _that_ much about you. Why do I care so much about you? I wish I could blame someone for these, though it may not be right, and even though I can't. Not even him. I still can't blame him because he has caused you pain for having her instead. Why? I don't know. I don't want him to be pained either. I also owe him so much, for my brother's recovery. He was yet a part of my brother's joy, my joy.

Is there not any hope then? I feel so pathetic and childish, wishing for the whole world to obtain happiness. I'm so confused. What should I do? What can I do? What _can_ I do? Is there nothing? Maybe there isn't. Will I be leaving here without having served any purpose at all? Am I just as much useless as I am such a burden?

No, I must not think this way. I would only be wasting what all of you has taught me if I keep on doing this. You don't want me to be sad and lose hope, right everyone? Then I wouldn't. I may not be able to do much to make you happy at this moment, but I have done my best to be of help to you. I am so grateful to be part of this family…yes I consider you now my family…you have treated me as so. Well, yes, it may not come right this time at once, but surely, someday, all of you can have what you all deserve. And I, even as I have left, will continue to pray that you do, and watch over you. Thank you.

Especially _you._

_I love you._

**

Okay, so the later parts may have been a bit, hn, /something else/ than the first. Well, it's because I wasn't very inspired about that--Aya and Tooya's love affair, I mean. I wasn't really going to write about that, but without it, Chidori's PoV would be incomplete, and this fic would be left hanging. Let me know what you think. But you don't have to if you don't want to. I'm not asking you to praise me either. Just go on with your freaking lives and do whatever you want.

Oh, and in case you even care, I have not abandoned any of my fics, yet. I'm just waiting for more inspiration to come. I'd be updating them as soon as I can.


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